Gratitude or gaslighting?

It took me a long time to admit to myself that my gratitude practice just wasn’t working, despite all the proven benefits. In fact, it was making me feel worse.

My transition from gratitude-journaling devotee to breaking up with my gratitude practice happened in my early 20s. That was when I started experiencing chronic pain.

The thing about chronic pain is that it creeps up on you. You’re not fully aware of it until it’s well underway, like the analogy of the frog in hot water.

There wasn’t a day that I woke up and realized “I have chronic pain now.” Instead, my reality gradually changed over a couple of years.

This made it easy to write off my pain each night in my gratitude journal. I convinced myself that my health was relatively good, at least compared to others.

I didn’t think my pain was normal, but I also didn’t think I was in danger. I could walk, eat, work, and function relatively well.

I could no longer run, do yoga, or be as social as I used to, but I should be grateful for what my body was capable of, instead of focusing on what it couldn’t do… right?

I went to the doctor a few times, but I understated my pain. I did the same thing mentally each night in my gratitude journal.

The doctors recommended lifestyle changes, but I knew deep down there was something bigger that needed investigating. For years, I didn’t push it. Who was I to receive medical help for my small problems, when other people had it so much worse?

Looking back, it’s heartbreaking to see that thought process. I had somehow used my gratitude practice to convince myself I wasn’t worthy of medical help.

Instead of encouraging positive emotions and hope, I used my gratitude practice to invalidate my own feelings and experiences.